The cycle of domestic violence has been outlined by the psychologist Jibek Zholdasova, who, based on the experiences of numerous patients, summarized this pattern in a brief note. The description sheds light on the recurring nature of domestic violence.
«Apparently, in light of recent events, women who have endured domestic violence for many years have started seeking help. Their stories are hair-raising, and there’s an urge to cry together, sympathize, and console some through shared tears.
Domestic violence against women accounts for 92% of all cases (violence against men exists, but it’s isolated incidents. Therefore, advocates for men — please remain silent).
Violence comes in various forms – psychological, physical, sexual, financial – these are the most common. Violence does not depend on status or financial well-being; both oligarchs and the less affluent exhibit similar aggressive behavior if they are aggressors.
I repeatedly explain to every woman about the aggressor’s cycle, draw it, and elucidate. This is part of psychology — victimology. The cycle of a perpetrator consists of several stages:
- Committing the act of violence: As the perpetrator initially has low self-esteem, they constantly need to assert themselves to feel more comfortable. The easiest way is to assert themselves at the expense of someone weaker – they insult, offend, hit, withhold money, punish, and then seemingly let go. But they don’t let go immediately; if they offended, it means the victim is at fault. For a short time, the perpetrator feels guilt for what they’ve done, so they quickly move to the next stage of the cycle.
- Victim-blaming: This is the process of shifting blame onto the victim. To avoid feeling guilty, the aggressor starts blaming their victim: ‘It’s your fault, you provoked me; if you hadn’t done/said this, if you dressed more modestly, if your skirt wasn’t so short.’ And the woman feels guilty. As soon as the aggressor sees or senses this, they feel relieved, and their mood improves. Then comes the next stage.
- Period of relatively normal behavior of the aggressor: The perpetrator calms down for some time, depending on individual characteristics. Normal behavior can last from a few hours to several months, varying for each individual. During this period, aggressors may give gifts, apologize, crawl on their knees, be sweet, courteous, polite, intelligent – a real sweetheart. In reality, this sweetheart is a true tormentor. But it is during this period that a woman begins to have hope that everything will be fine – he is actually a good person, very smart, and I must be provoking him. This is how the Stockholm Syndrome arises, where the victim begins to justify and defend the aggressor. Often, due to the Stockholm Syndrome, the victim cannot leave; she sees many good qualities in him, despite all the atrocities he commits. But the period of normal behavior will eventually end.
- Stage of aggressive thoughts: The aggressor cannot maintain good mood and behavior for long, as their low self-esteem will not allow it. The need for self-assertion resurfaces, and they start thinking about an endless number of situations where they hurt someone, beat someone, settle scores. Thoughts will eventually lead to action, and the aggressor moves to the next stage.
- Stage of seeking a reason to commit aggression: Even if everything is perfect at home, they will find something to nitpick. Women recount – ‘I serve breakfast/lunch/dinner, and I know for sure he will complain that it’s too hot or too cold, or too little, or too much, or just not right.’ Starting from the moment of the aggressor’s normal behavior, a woman will experience constant tension; her subconscious already knows that the husband will look for a reason to create a scandal. Anything can become a reason; even a passing bird at the window can trigger aggression. And again, an act of aggression occurs.
This cycle will repeat always; it doesn’t resolve on its own. That’s why, in developed countries, perpetrators are mandated to see a psychotherapist by court order, as they will never go voluntarily. The victim is not at fault; only the aggressor is guilty of the violence. This has been long proven, documented, and applied among rational individuals. Alcohol consumption increases aggression, and in families where alcohol consumption is considered the norm, cases of domestic violence are more frequent, the aggression is stronger, and the consequences are more severe. Girls, run away from such situations.»
